Graduations, Commemorations, Celebrations, Affirmations, Insouciance

Graduations, Commemorations, Celebrations, Affirmations, Insouciance.

TW: vague mention of trauma 

Lately, all I’ve been seeing on my LinkedIn (I know, corporate eye-roll – I’m on the job hunt, let me at it) is a peppering of celebratory posts about new positions and posts like “after 1.5 years I finally got to graduate!”. I swear it seems to be a constant feed of that silly little emoji-style animation and the confetti cannon that accompanies all “new position” posts and photos of caps in flight and gowns galore. 

This sounds like the beginning of a very sour and spiteful post, but I promise it’s not. 

Today marks the day that my formal graduation ceremony was scheduled. I’m not there. Today I am collecting my job seekers allowance and attending my morning appointment with my career guidance counsellor. After this, I will visit my local coffee shop, say hi to my housemate who works there and the guys behind the bar, and start my final preparations for an interview and presentation I have tomorrow. I was let go from my job almost two months ago, and I submitted my final thesis for my master's almost two years ago. 

I received my certificate some time ago when the virtual conferral ceremony took place. It’s framed and, on the wall, next to my bachelor’s degree. I don’t want to walk on stage to collect a dummy certificate and return to my seat, next to a group of people I have never met, never known, and never had a class with. 

My college experience was not all sunshine and roses, and I’m sure nobody’s is. After some unforeseen and extremely unfortunate circumstances in the latter stages of my master's (more on that later, in more episodic installments), I had to extend my studies to two years instead of one. I submitted my thesis a whole twelve months later than many of my classmates, so our conferral ceremonies were not scheduled for the same day. My main draw to attending the ceremony was to be reunited with my class again and celebrate our achievements together. 

My master's more often than not doesn’t feel like an achievement. It feels more like a relief. This will make more sense with a clearer picture of my circumstances, but just know that finishing my thesis, to any standard at all, after a life-altering, traumatic experience, was simply a weight off. There were so many times I wished to quit, drop out, or graduate with a diploma instead. The idea of the finished product always felt so far away from me. 

Not only was my particular situation a huge obstacle and a journey I still believe myself to be on, but I lost a job and a house during this time, as the pandemic struck. I ended up back on my childhood kitchen table in my parent’s new house, not even in my hometown anymore, with unfamiliar surroundings, uncertainty in all directions, and no totalling motivation to finish this out. 

Although it hurt sometimes to hear, because I didn’t feel like that person anymore, my parents reminded me of how I used to be such a go-getter, a pusher, and a fighter. I’ve been through the mill and out the other end time and time again, and this time was not about to “get me”. Just like this period of uncertainty won’t either. 

I get very tired of being strong. I get very tired of reinstating my resilience. In saying that, I did turn to substance abuse to attempt to turn my brain off and numb everything for a short period of time in the immediate aftermath of my incident. This, although I would not change it for a second, did not feel any better. I came out of that for a reason, and the reason is I want to feel again. The good and the bad, and life is full of both. 

So, here I am.

My time of graduation is maybe expected to be a time of commemoration, celebration, and affirmation of my achievements. I’m writing this the day before, and I do feel proud of all I have done and managed to achieve. It is the ceremony itself in which I categorize my feeling into insouciance. Things don’t feel ceremonious right now. But I am celebrating each day I choose to get up, feel thankful for another day, and put time and effort into myself, my future, and my prospects going forward. That, I feel enormously proud of.

So, I’m not attending the graduation ceremony, but I did do myself proud, and I am continuing to do so every day. That’s pretty cool, no?